Observor Role

Today, I had planned to actively observe my thoughts (mind) and my behavior. At first, I was doing a good job at ordering food, talking over phone and speaking with my friends. I was in the state of fluency. I was feeling calm, confident and in control. In the evening, I had to meet a project group. Before meeting them, I was still calm and relaxed. In fact, for the first few minutes talking with them, I was quite fluent. My mind was also clear and I could focus well. I was in the present moment. Then, somewhere in between (maybe unconsciously) I started avoiding speaking a sentence because I was anxious stumbling upon the feared word. I didn't notice it at once. After some time when I was aware of it, I consciously decided to speak the sentence despite fear. Not surprisingly, I blocked on the feared word, my face tensed and expressionless. I didn't like that state and tension on my face. I felt that if I talk then people would anyway either not listen to me or not understand what I'm saying. More so, I wanted to run away from the embarrassment of looking weird. I didn't want to struggle any more. If speaking was a struggle, then I felt at that moment that it was better to keep quiet and listen to what everybody was saying. I would just act nice and do what others tell me to do. That way, they won't be angry with me. Even if I don't contribute much in the discussion, they would not be harsh to me if I do what they tell me to do. If I let them have the control of the situation and let them have that power over me. This would be a good escape for me from embarrassment and guilt (for not doing as much work as my group members).

So when meeting with my group, I had wanted to actively participate and contribute. But I felt that even if I participate, I would still not have power or control and no matter how much I work, I would be considered unworthy and incapable. Plus, my opinions might not matter or would just be ignored because I won't be able to support them with enough data. Even if I have data and evidence, they won't carry weight because I won't be able to tell them clearly and persuasively. And since other people have better persuasive skills than me, they would always dominate group discussions. So instead of spending all effort in thinking and trying to contribute, it's better to let them do all the work. Anyways, they are going to have all the power and respect in the group no matter how much work I do. One can easily manipulate power and control through words so I would never have any respect in group discussions. So I have been just letting others do all the work and this has led me to my blocking. Part of the reason I blocked was due to my frustration at not being able to express my point of view effectively.

After the project meeting, I went out for dinner with a few of my friends. At that time, I constantly reminded myself of following the observer role and not worry about being dysfluent. No matter how much I appeased myself, I was feeling anything close to being comfortable. From inside, I was tired of being caught in this cycle of blocking and craved for freedom. I wanted to free from this restless mind and a state of not being in control. Despite this state, I tried to not show it outside and be funny in whatever way possible. It worked to some extent. But I knew that it was not my genuine state. Coming back from dinner, I opened msn messenger and started chatting with some people. I felt it was a good way to express myself since I couldn't do it orally. Now I feel that I can no longer escape and it's important to face reality. So I created this blog and writing down my thoughts.

Tomorrow's goal is to continue with the observor role and focus more on observing myself as a third person in the moment of blocking. I would try my best to accept any speaking situation and moment and not judge it as good or bad.