Thoughts and fluency

These past few days, I had been very busy with my exams so didn't get chance to think about speech or stuttering or fluency. And so I didn't stutter as much, or if I did I didn't care about it as much. So overall feeling good about my speech. Interesting.

Today, I wanted to call AOL teacher and ask her about the Cleveland trip. At first, I wanted to avoid talking and use email which I did, but she didn't responded. Then I had no option but to call her. I didn't want to look stupid. I didn't want to stutter on the very first word over the phone. So I was glad that she didn't answer but I decided to leave her a voicemail. I was glad and felt good about the fact that I didn't block in the first few words. And then I had this major block on one word and felt that she wouldn't take me seriously because I block. I felt she wouldn't respond to me because I don't deserve to be called back.

Then I had to call a stranger who had left me a voicemail yesterday. I tried my best to be calm and say the first few words right. To my surprise, I stuttered and didn't feel good about speaking. I didn't want to struggle. What opinions he would have of me? I wanted to finish the conversation as fast as I can so I was looking for short-cuts. I didn't care about his needs. My only concern was not to block when I was speaking with him. Despite having made attempts not to think about it, I was still not able to leave this concern of blocking from my mind and focus on fluency.