Observer Role at the project meeting

I entered the room to meet my project group and was relaxed and calm. I was having fun and enjoying being with the group. And then it was time to rehearse our part of the presentation. When talking, I wasn't sure about what I was saying. I looked for approval from my group members regarding what I say make sense. Also, my tendency was to focus on being fluent and not to block instead of focusing on the content of my presentation. I also didn't have eye-contact. I was either looking up at the blank walls or down or on the side where nobody was there. My tendency was to rush through and get done with speaking as soon as I can. I was far from being comfortable speaking my part out during rehearsal. When I said one or two feared words without stumbling, I was very excited and happy and didn't care about if the phrase had proper transition. I expected people to know that I stutter so I didn't feel obligated to speak fluently. But I wanted to make sure that I say my stuff on time so that other group members have sufficient time to say their part. After rehearsal, I went with a friend to eat dinner. I surprisingly had more blocks speaking with him, even more than when I was speaking with my group. And I also realize that I usually have more blocks speaking with him. I don't know why that happens. He's a good friend and very understanding. I have even self-advertised with him that I stutter. Maybe it's because I had already given him a lot of power and control over the situation. Or maybe his voice tone is dominant and I act submissively in front of him. Or maybe it's because I do whatever he tells me to do. It feels like he has a lot of control over what my behavior.

Tonight I plan to read John Harrison's article on public speaking and also to visualize myself enjoying delivering presentation, where my focus is to make audience understand and enjoy what I'm saying instead of the fluency. For tomorrow, I would continue with the observer role and also see if I realize something new reading John H's book.