Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Moment of Blocking

I went to meet a person in my project group. And I blocked with her a lot. In the starting, I was fine. And then I was finding it hard to explain to her without blocking especially when I had to explain in detail. It wasn't that I was seeking approval. But I felt some pressure to speak fluently. At times, I even started to avoiding because I felt that I would block if I speak. It seemed like a struggle. At the same time, I couldn't stay quiet because then she would feel that I am not serious about the project. So maybe it was that added pressure on me not to stay quiet that forced me to speak and stutter. I ask myself, Do I feel pressured to speak all the time? Yes, most times I do. how can I make speaking fun instead of a struggle ?
For tomorrow, my goal is to continue with the observer role. More specifically, observe the feeling at the moment of blocking, accept it and let it go. and then move on, again accept the feeling and then move on. As far as eye-contact goes, I could maintain it when I was relatively fluent and confident. But it was still challenging to do so when blocking or when caught in a severe blocks withe the same person during a short-span of time, my feelings were negative due to avoidance. Maybe I even had divided intentions at that time, to speak or not to speak. It was at this time when I found it extremely challenging to maintain eye-contact.

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