Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Taking Responsibility

Today I was unable to wake up on time even though I set two alarms. I was just lazy and even though I realized that I would be wasting time if I sleep anymore, I didn't feel excited enough to face this new day. As soon as I woke up, I dressed up and went for my class. This time I listened carefully to other group's presentations. I also sat next to a friend who asked me to sit with him. When talking with him, I was going at a fast pace again and my focus was on speaking fluently. Maybe I wanted to show him that I can speak fluently. Or the tone of his voice or the way he was looking at me put some pressure on me to respond quickly to him. Or maybe I felt uncomfortable in slowing down or raising my voice in front of him or taking my time in speaking. And then a girl came and sat next to me on the other side. I knew her but didn't even say hi. I felt it would look awkward if I greet her or maybe it would show to her that I'm too much interested in her. And to my other friend, I gave away all the power and control of our conversation. I responded the way I thought he expected me to respond in the way that he wouldn't feel hurt. So in some way, I was again seeking approval.
Then the class got over and I had to meet a person from my project group in an hour. Meeting her was fine. I was in control. Maybe this time I had kept that power in our conversation where I hadn't given all control to her. I also volunteered to participate/take initiative in listing down our ideas on a piece of paper and drawing a logical conclusion out of that. I felt that she was following me well and taking this responsibility allowed me to also retain power in our conversation. But my speaking rate was still fast, maybe because she was also speaking at a fast face and expected me to respond quickly.
After that, I went to the gym. I met another friend in there. I surprisingly had a lot more blocks when talking to him. Maybe it was because he's voice is very loud and expressive. So maybe I was finding it hard to match his voice tone. And felt as if he already had that control over our conversation and in that respect, I felt somewhat inferior to him.

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