Sunday, April 11, 2010

Faith and Fun - the 2 Big F's

I woke up today quite late. As soon as I got out of my bed, I realized I had to meet my project group in 2 hours and I hadn't yet done my part of the work. I rushed out of my bed and brushed my teeth. My mind was still in a mess. I was thinking of the class presentation that I had to give on Monday and I wasn't ready for it. I had been having some pretty bad blocks lately and was scared to speak in front of the class. I didn't want to end up struggling again in front of everyone. I thought in my mind that I shouldn't have applied to business school. It's just too challenging for me with all these group projects and presentations. So that brought about many more negative thoughts in my mind and I was worried. Then somehow a thought entered my mind, maybe it was from Linda Round's book, "Remember to trust yourself all the time in this process towards fluency." I realized that I wasn't trusting myself.

The moment I realized this, I told myself, "Ok. From now on, I would trust myself fully and completely, no matter what happens." When I said this, from somewhere another thought entered my mind and this time it was about faith. I remembered saying to myself a long time back that, "I have full faith in myself, in God, in Nature and in this supreme power that governs the whole universe."

The moment I said this, there was a sudden shift in my thoughts and I soon realized that negative thoughts dissolved and my mind was somewhat at peace. Then another thought came in, this one struck in mind for a long time. It was about having fun and enjoying every moment. I asked myself, "Do people really enjoy communicating? What is the purpose of communication?"

I went back in my mind to the time when humans started to communicate with one another. Before the development of language, they must have been communicating through body language, more so eye-contact, hand gestures, face expressions, etc. And communication was done mainly to transmit information, to inform about the impeding danger or food hunt, etc. How about I go back to those times and see myself communicating. Would I be able to communicate effectively? Yes, ofcourse. Would I struggle communicating? Not at all. Would I enjoy communicating? Yes, maybe. I would also use it as a means to connect with people, form social bondings, etc and it would be as essential tool for me.

And then how about I go back to the time when humans started speaking language. Language consisted mainly of sounds, short syllables or phrases. The sounds would have their own meanings and it would be faster to communicate messages through words or phrases. I could feel myself enjoying communication. And I was grateful for having sounds and words to aid in the process of communication

Now I again see myself and recall the times when I have truly enjoyed communication. I realize that there have been a lot of such times. Then I ask myself, can I enjoy communication now? I think about it and it seems like I could enjoy communication. So would it matter if I block or not? Maybe not if I don't struggle. Do I have to struggle while communicating? No, I don't.
What if I block? Yes I can still block without struggling. So now would it matter if I block? No. maybe not. So should the goal of my speech to be fluent? No. That's a very wrong goal when the purpose of communication is to transmit information. So should I judge the success of my communication by how fluent I am? No. Communication is a tool to ease transfer of information. So is there really any success or failure attached to speaking?

The moment I realized this, I gave myself freedom to block. And then now 1 hour left before I had to meet my group. I quickly worked on my stuff and went to the meeting. I entered and was relaxed. I even cracked a few jokes here and there. My mind was not thinking about blocking at that time. I didn't feel afraid to share my thoughts, although I repeated a few words in between. Maybe that repetition was part of my comfort zone. But at the end, I felt much more comfortable. I have still to work more on observing myself in the moment of stuttering. My goal is to do it for the next group meeting later tonight.

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